ATF: The Case of the Stolen Ass
by retirw
Summary: Who'd have thought a simple Christmas play could create problems.


**The Case of the Missing Ass **

**Four Corners Memorial Hospital**

**Denver, Colorado**

**Monday**

Ezra sighed deeply as the rest of the team plus one descended like a plague of locust upon the hospital waiting room.

"How bad?" Nathan demanded, before tilting Ezra's chin to check his eyes.

"A minor case of road rash for my part. Vin is currently in X-ray. There is some concern he may have broken an ankle." Ezra responded patiently, holding out his hands to endure Jackson's concerned prodding.

"This was supposed to be a simple meet and greet. Did Delaney turn on you?" Orrin Travis demanded worriedly. "I knew it was a bad idea to let you two go without back up.

"Mr. Delaney is in no way responsible for our injuries. This occurred before our appointment." Ezra drawled.

"What in hell happened?" Chris scowled.

"We were crossing the street at Ponderosa and Cherry when Mr. Tanner pushed me out of the path of an on coming car. Unfortunately he turned his ankle as he dove out of the way. Mr. Dunne would have called the lady a Q-tip." Ezra leaned his head back against the wall and sighed.

"Q-tip?" Travis questioned faintly.

"Blue, poofy hair, diminutive stature. She was peering through the steering wheel, not over it. Today was her 82nd birthday." Ezra continued.

"So she decided to kill two ATF agents?" Buck asked in disbelief.

"Ms. Genieve was quite distraught over our injuries. She didn't see us in the crosswalk. Of course she didn't see the red light either. Quite understandable really since the dear lady wasn't wearing her glasses. They're so unflattering; she'd never wear them in public you know. Then, of course, she hit the gas instead of the brake when she did see us. Such a silly thing to happen really but understandable don't you think? A lovely little woman. Quite the fashion plate in her pillbox hat with veil, white gloves, and a Swiss polka dot dress, in a lovely shade of emerald green. Of course she had her driver's license. It had been issued in January of 1946. She went to driving school after her husband joined the marines on December 10th, 1945. Renewed? Oh you have to get them renewed? She has now been returned to Pleasant Hills Nursing Home from which she had emancipated herself. Ms. Genieve is an Alzheimer patient at the facility." Ezra reported. "Oh and she pinched mah ass." Ezra grinned faintly. "I do believe Mr. Tanner was offended, she pinched his cheek and called him a sweet boy."

"They need a keeper," Orrin grunted in disbelief and sat down. "Why do these things happen to you and Vin?"

"The good Lord protected us, Mr. Travis," Ezra sighed.

"Are you sure he wasn't out to get you and missed?" Josiah shook his head in disbelief and sat down on Ezra's other side.

Chris hurried across the room to hold the door as Vin clomped in on a pair of crutches.

"Shirt pocket," Tanner sighed as Nathan blocked his path.

Jackson pulled the release form out of Vin's pocket and quickly scanned it.

"Sprained, not broken. Crutches for the next 10 days." Nathan sighed in relief.

Vin clomped over and sat down across from Ezra.

Ezra thoughtfully studied the other man. "Thank you, Mr. Tanner, once more you have protected me from injury, damaging yourself in the process."

"Hate ta ask but I'm gonna need a favor," Vin began hesitantly.

"You are most welcome to reside with me until you are released by the doctor. The elevator at your domicile is of course malfunctioning." Ezra offered.

"Thanks but . . . ." Vin sighed, as Ezra took over the conversation once more.

"Think nothing of it. I feel somewhat responsible. Driving your jeep would prove to be problematical due to the clutch." Ezra smiled warmly.

"Ez, I need . . . ." Vin interrupted.

"I realize that you would prefer staying with Mr. Larabee, but he will be out of town for the next several days at that FBI seminar," Ezra smirked as he heard Chris' disgusted snort.

"EZ! Yer an ass." Tanner huffed.

"I beg your pardon?" Ezra spluttered to a stop.

"I'se suppose ta be Mary's donkey fer tha Christmas play, over ta St. Paul's come Sunday. Maria's depending on me ta piggyback her in." Vin explained.

"Maria is that beautiful little angel in the wheelchair?" Ezra asked faintly as he rubbed at the lump suddenly residing in his stomach.

"Yep," Vin answered.

"And you were engaged as her beast of burden?" Ezra asked in a panicked whisper.

"She's gonna have her heart broke if she has ta use her chair." Vin pleaded.

"Why me?" Ezra squeaked.

"Tha costume won't fit none of the rest of yah," Vin answered.

"Costume?" Ezra choked.

"Maria was determined her donkey was gonna sound like tha real things so they's . . . tap shoes." Vin blushed. "We got tha smallest feet, Ez."

"That settles it then; Ezra is a ASS." Buck laughed.

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**St. Paul's Catholic Church**

**Purgatorio**

Ezra paled as he examined each item of the . . . equine costume. The coarse woolen grey pants were thankfully too small to fit. _Thank heaven's Vin is so slender. _A grey wool sweater that would have fit Buck came next. Moaning pitifully he held the garment up to his torso in dismay. _It reaches to my knees. _The sleeves had obviously been shortened so they would only hang as far as Ezra's wrists. _Exquisite needle work. I wonder who shortened these? Perhaps one of the holy sisters. I must remember to ask, perhaps the seamstress would consider remuneration for alterations in the future. It would be a simple matter to convince young Mr. Dunne to volunteer as a livery animal. _Standish stared at the large fuzzy grey ears in despair. _We could simply remove his outer most toe on each foot. If he protests too strenuously I would even purchase a pair of tap shoes in the appropriate size. _

"Hey, Ez! You decent in there? Maria wants ta say 'thank yah' fer fillin' in fer me." Vin Tanner rapped on the door of the costume room in the basement of St. Paul's.

_He has done it deliberately. No one can be that manipulative without planning, can they? Someday I will sic Vin on Mutha and sit back to watch her squirm. She'll never see it coming." _Ezra grinned to himself ruefully

"I am attired, Mr. Tanner," Ezra responded.

Vin rolled in, seated in a wheel chair.

"Have you done yourself further injury?" Ezra asked in concern. Knowing full well how much Vin detested the wheeled chairs.

"Nah, Maria and me was racin' 'till Sister Mary Penguin got after us," Vin grinned unrepentantly.

"Thank you so very much, Mr. Standish," The beautiful little Hispanic girl carefully enunciated.

"You are most welcome, Miss Maria. Might I compliment you on your manners as well as your excellent language skills," Ezra knelt down beside Maria's chair.

"Mr. Vin brings me tapes to hear . . . that is incorrect . . . listen too. So I will learn proper English. I will not be able to work like my momma and poppa. I can speak, I can use my hands, so I will be an interpreter. I can sign, I speak Spanish and Russian. So If I learn the correct English, I may find a job, Then we will get an apartment on the first floor or in a building that the elevator works, so my Poppa will not have to carry me up and down stairs after he works so hard all day." Maria explained.

"It scares me to speak before so many people. I only tried out for the part of the Santa Maria because Mr. Vin promised to carry me. Mr. Vin is so very brave. So I also could be brave. Now I am not so brave." Maria admitted softly.

"Sugar, I rekin ole Ez is about tha bravest man I know. That's why I asked him ta carry yah, since I couldn't.

"Then I will not be afraid." Maria gently grasped Ezra's hand and with it the conman's tender heart.

"Ah would be most honored to be your beast of burden, Miss Maria," Ezra smiled warmly. _I will simply have to provide a proper donkey costume. Nothing too extreme Miss Maria will not be upstaged. _

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"Poppa!" Maria called excitedly wheeling rapidly across the basement floor.

"How is my angel tonight?" Jose Rameriz lifted the little girl into his arms for a warm hug.

"I was worried earlier but Mr. Vin and his friend Mr. Ezra have fixed everything." Maria chattered excitedly in a mixture of Spanish, Russian and English.

"Why were you worried, Maria?" Jose asked in concern. Dark eyes studied his daughter for signs of illness or injury.

"Mr. Vin fell and sprained his ankle. He will not be able to carry me in the play, Sunday. He must use crutches for the next 10 days. We must make sure he minds the doctor, Poppa." Maria rattled on.

Jose nodded his agreement.

"Mr. Ezra works with Mr. Vin. He has offered to carry me since Mr. Vin may not," Maria waved excitedly at Ezra. "He speaks English like my tapes Poppa. Mr. Vin said he is very brave as well, so I will not be frightened in front of everyone." Maria's dark eyes flashed and her beautiful smile lit up her face.

"I thank you sincerely, Senor Ezra," Jose Rameriz smiled widely in relief. "My Maria, she is . . . how you say, coming out of her shell. It is a nice thing you do for her. I will not forget." Jose shifted Maria to his left arm and offered his right hand to Ezra.

"It is my pleasure, Mr. Rameriz, your daughter is charming," Ezra answered warmly.

"Come, Nina. Your mother has supper ready." Jose bounced his daughter gently.

"Good night, Mr. Vin, Mr. Ezra thank you so very much," Maria hugged her father once more before being settled into her chair.

"Yah mind iffen I tag along? Ez drove me over. I'll be stayin' wit' him a few days 'til this ankle heals a might," Vin asked.

"Many stairs on crutches," Jose nodded in understanding. "We would help you as before Senior Vin." Jose offered.

"'Preciate that Mr. Rameriz. Know y'all help me up and down them d. . . stairs." Vin glanced down at Maria and blushed.

"For shame Mr. Vin cursing and in the church too." Maria tsked.

"I didn't say it," Vin muttered.

"It was your intention. The good Padre says that it is the same if you do a thing, if you intend to do it." Maria reminded.

Ezra smirked and Jose grinned widely as Vin endured the lecture.

"I'll try to do better," Vin mumbled.

"Three Hail Mary's and an Our Father," Maria grinned impishly.

"Hail Mary . . . wait a second I'se raised Baptist," Vin growled.

"For which we will forgive you." Sister Mary Ernestine walked up.

"What have you done to yourself." Sister Ernie tapped her foot.

"Jist a sprain," Vin sighed.

"Ten days on the crutches from today," Maria informed the lanky nun.

"Gonna pick up some clothes and such. I'll be stayin' wit' Ez. Cain't drive the jeep and Chris'll skin me iffen he catches me on tha Harley," Vin said sheepishly.

"As he should," Jose growled.

"Need ta let tha kids know ta keep an eye on the place. Ez's number is on the wall next ta tha phone in tha church kitchen." Vin said thoughtfully trying to prepare his little territory for his absence.

"So you're the one desecrating the walls by writing on them. I just painted that kitchen and you've written on the wall. How can we teach the children not to if they see you do it, Devin James Tanner?" Mary Ernestine huffed the cockney accent coming out strongly.

"Weren't me. Yer gonna have ta look fer tha culprit a might closer to the ground." Vin snickered and held his hand out marking a height.

"OH! Just wait till I get my hands on her." Sister Ernie's eyes narrowed. "I'll have that little penguin scrubbing walls see if I don't." Sister Ernie charged off with a full head of steam.

"Fire and brimstone, they's gonna be some singed penguin. Be best ta run 'fore them two git started." Vin moved quickly across the basement floor, having switched to his crutches.

"Worse than blood sisters those two," Jose muttered under his breath.

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**Ezra's Condo late that evening**

Ezra sat a cup of tea down beside Vin.

"Thanks Ez," Tanner picked up the cup taking a deep sniff. "Lemon Grass?"

"Yes after the day we had I thought it an appropriate selection. Not to borrow trouble but is it wise, Maria being on the fourth floor in a building with an elevator that does not function. It concerns me if there is a fire or some other type of emergency." Ezra sat down across from Vin.

"Yeah ever'body in the building worries on that a might. We's all lookin' fer an apartment on ground level that tha Ramerizes kin afford. Ain't happenin' though. Lot's of folks need them apartments down low. Lot's a elderly and disabled wit' low income. They's some new places going up out at Cherry creek but they's a waitin' list like yah wouldn't believe. Wit' Maria bein' sa small and Jose able ta carry her they ain't at the top of none of the lists. Other folks need 'em even worse." Vin explained. "We got us a evacuation plan worked out fer her. The bigger kids see that she get's up to the 'partment after school and such. Sasha Rameriz ain't but a tiny thing herself and she ain't suppose ta be carryin' Maria up and down them steps. Only so much we kin do, tha Ramerizes is proud people so's they won't accept much help." Vin sighed his concern for the little family evident.

"I was considering the donkey accoutrements," Ezra began after a long quite spell.

Vin raised his head and looked over.

"I thought a few changes . . . ," Ezra began.

"Ez, change whatcha want but Maria and her momma spent most of a day hittin' up tha thrift shops 'til they found tha' sweater and them shoes. Ain't askin' but I figure tha' money come out of what they had set back fer Christmas presents. Figured I could wear a long sleeve turtleneck under it so's the wool wouldn't itch sa bad." Vin admitted.

"Then by all means the sweater must remain. The shoes fit surprisingly well. Do you happen to know who shortened the sleeves? The needle work is incredible." Ezra asked.

"Sasha and Maria did that. Sasha's teachin' Maria how ta do tha fancy needlework," Vin smiled faintly. "Ms. Sasha does fancy piecework fer some of them stores downtown."

"Do you believe Ms. Ramirez would consider doing some alterations for me? I would need to see her work but if the sleeves were indication perhaps Ms. Rameriz can assist me with an on going problem," Ezra said hopefully.

"Yah gettin' fat?" Vin teased.

"Humph," Standish snorted and settled deeper into his chair.

"Ms. Sasha makes most of they's clothes and such. Made mah new suit. Fixed it so tha' the hardware don' show." Tanner noted.

"She did?" Ezra brightened. "That is a fine looking suit and it fits you exceedingly well. Carrying concealed is such an issue. I must certainly speak with her. Of course she would need to be suitable remunerated for her valuable time."

"I'll take yah by then," Vin replied. _Now that's got two worries settled a might. It'll help the money situation wit' tha Ramerizes. Let Ms. Sasha do her magic so's Ez can carry somethin' a might more useful than that peashooter of his. Thought mah heart was likely ta stop when tha damn thing got hung up in his sleeve when tha shit hit tha fan on tha Sommerville case. _

Vin smiled to himself looking over at the vegetating Standish. _Wouldn't Buck get a hoot out of this iffen he could see Ez now. Nitty Gritty Dirt Band on that fancy stereo system. Wore out jeans, barefoot and a NASCAR t-shirt, feet propped up on the coffee table even. Danged iffen his hair ain't nearly as curly as mine. _"Hey Ez, whatcha use ta smooth out them curls?" Vin demanded.

"Styling gel," Ezra answered off handedly.

"Take long?" Vin studied Ezra's hair.

"Not especially so but it does require more than a simple brushing to eliminate them." Ezra answered.

"You got any idea why women like tha damn things sa much? Just seem to make tangles as far as I kin see." Vin asked.

"I have never been able to comprehend the attraction mahself," Ezra responded.

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**St. Paul's Catholic Church**

**Purgatorio**

** Sunday Evening**

Worried looks were exchanged as the clock's hands moved slowly.

"Something's wrong, Ez wouldn't be late to something like this." JD finally brought the issue out into the open.

"Only an hour until the play is suppose to start. All the performers were suppose to be here 30 minutes ago," Josiah admitted.

"I tried his cell and house. No answer that's certainly not like Standish," Nathan closed his cell phone.

Larabee sighed deeply. "You know what this means don't you?"

Worried eyes turned toward Chris.

"He could be having car issues," Buck suggested half heartedly.

"Nathan, Josiah, check out his condo. Buck see if you can sweet talk your gal over at Denver PD into putting out an all points bulletin. Vin, you and I are going to search each route you think he'd have taken. JD, make do with whatever costume you can but your taking Ez's place as the Christmas donkey," Larabee ordered.

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"Hey Jessie, yeah this is Buck," Buck was already on the phone.

"Buck Wilmington," the ladies' man pulled the phone away from his ear and scowled at it.

"Now Darlin'," Buck soothed.

Buck winced and held the phone out again.

"I know honey, I'm a no-account scoundrel." Buck agreed.

"I ought to be shot," Buck agreed once more.

"I need you to put out an all-points on Ezra Standish," Buck explained. Buck put his fingers in his mouth and whistled shrilly catching the other men's attention before they left on their duties. "What do you mean somebody stole Chris' ass?" Buck spluttered.

"Ez was carjacked!" Buck bellowed.

The rest of the team gathered around trying to hear both sides of the conversation.

"He just finished filing a report."

"The perps are in custody."

"He's on his way now."

"Police escort?"

"Thanks Darlin'. Think I can hear the sirens now." Wilmington ended the call.

"Buck?" Chris asked curiously as Buck grinned widely.

"It's the shift change and the fellas are making sure Ez makes it to the church on time," Wilmington sniggered.

Walking out onto the church steps the team watched as a line of cars pulled over to curb being lead by a squad car. An officer hopped out and opened the back door allowing Ezra to exit regally. Standish's hooves gleamed in the street light. Soft grey leggings covered his calves; the grey sweater had been . . . fluffed in some manner making it appear plush. Shiny black gloves covered his hands.

"How'd he get his hair to do that?" JD gawked.

The normally elegant tresses now stood in a stiff roach from his hairline to the nape of his neck. Subtle make up and some type of prosthesis created an elongated muzzle. Large fuzzy ears bobbed in time with each clacking step. Standish passed his team mates with a sniff as he climbed the steps and entered the church to be greeted by the relieved Maria.

"Damn he even makes a dandy looking ass," Nathan snorted.

"Tail's a nice touch," Vin cocked his head to study the appendage swing behind with each step.

Close to twenty assorted officers made their way to the church and then inside. Several of the Evidence Techs carried cameras as they passed.

"This time we get pictures of Ez makin' an ass out of himself," Buck grinned as he turned to follow the men.

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The sanctuary lights had been dimmed and candles flickered. Silence fell over the congregation as the doors to the vestibule opened. Young shepherds, both male and female, herded a flock of wooly baaing toddlers up and down the aisles before herding them into a pen to the left of the stage. Once the sheep were secured the shepherds sat down in the dimness to wait. Remarkably few lambs were lost as they spotted family and escaped the shepherds. One of the older children began to narrate the familiar story. A star swung into view.

Vin's deep sigh almost matched Josiah's as a single musical plink grew in to a steady rhythm as the leaking roof dripped down onto the stable below.

Once more the doors opened, revealing the empty vestibule. A steady clop could be heard drawing closer. Shadowed forms entered the room and turned to enter the sanctuary. A small Moroccan boy named Yosef walked proudly by the slow moving donkey. Maria sat regally, piggy-back on her trusty steed. Her smile seemed brighter than the candles as she passed the pew holding the rest of Larabee's team. The entourage soon reached the inn.

Yosef's eyes widened when he couldn't remember his lines. At the donkey's gentle prompting the boy faultlessly delivered his lines in a firm French-tinged English. The Innkeeper sent them to the stable where the donkey folded his legs and settled to the straw aiding Yosef in assisting Maria onto her seat. Rising, the donkey made his way to the edge of the stable where he was soon surrounded by the arrival of the shepherds and lambs at the stable. The appearance of a mixed choir of angels singing of the good tidings brought the play to its end.

The congregation silently rose and passed by the holy family on their way out to the church hall where a party had been prepared. Sister Ernie's chin quivered and Sister Mary Catherine openly cried as bills, coins, and even a few checks were laid next to the manger. "For the roof," the givers whispered as they passed by.

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**ATF Offices**

**Monday**

Laughter greeted the exhibition of the morning paper. A picture of the costume clad Standish appeared on the front page. The headline read. They Stole the Wrong Ass.

"Damn right," Chris snarled as he carried a cup of coffee towards his office. "Nobody steals MY ass. Standish that doesn't mean I won't kick it though."


End file.
